Prompt: Write your own obituary.
Dawson Goodell passed away peacefully last Wednesday in his home, on a train, hurtling through space, or fighting a Grizzly bear in the death arenas of Mars. He lived to the ripe old age of 40-something after surviving the First Zombie Apocalypse of 2013, the Montana Insurrection of 2019 — in which he was an anti-Canadian militant, and the Second Zombie Apocalypse of 2025. Despite landing on Mars, finding a common in protein all known cancers, curing AIDS, and creating true racial equality in the United States, Dawson will be remembered best for that time he announced loudly to a girl, “You’re problem!” then broke a desk with his butt. He was preceded in death by about 12 billion people, a few of whom he knew. He is survived by almost 6 billion people, most of whom he didn’t like.