Of course, there are some cannon (serious even!) superheroes with totally useless powers. Well, maybe not completely useless, but in the scheme of things pretty darn useless. I’m referring, of course, to Aquaman, whose telepathic ability to communicate with fish would have been completely useless in 95% of all major disasters. Yet, he is a founding member of the Justice League. And he’s just a knock off of the older Marvel character, Namor the Sub-Mariner.
But Aquaman hardly holds a candle to mostly comedic, occasional cross-over heroes like Marvel’s Squirrel Girl. Yes, Squirrel Girl. Her powers are squirrel related. She once defeated Doctor Doom by drowning him in squirrels. You may laugh, as well you should, but if Squirrel Girl was a villain, it’d take her approximately 15 minutes to take-over any given college campus in the United States. In fact, Squirrel Girl is legendarily powerful. Just look at her TVTropes page. (WARNING: In case you didn’t catch it, that links to TVTropes. You’ve been warned.) I should also mention that DLH’s most watched YouTube video is Squirrel Girl’s one-and-only television appearance.
I can’t help but think Squirrel Girl is under some kind of terrible Cassandrian curse. She is incredibly powerful, having defeated Doctor Doom and even Thanos, but still can’t get taken seriously because her powers are stupid. I wonder how she would do here in the real world. What if Squirrel Girl was the only superhero. Would we still consider her powers dumb? Probably. We’d even consider them dumber than having no powers.
Here is another amusing useless power from That Mitchell and Webb Look — biscuits!